Game review: Wizorb

Wizorb

This is a cross between Arkanoid and an RPG.  Well, at least that’s what it claims to be.  What it actually is, is a mountain of suck covered in fail sauce.

 

I really wanted to like this game, but it’s a goddamned mess.

Beef #1: It lags on my Crysis-eating PC.  By lag, I mean the paddle movement is jerky.  It’s not just an occasional thing either, if I shake the mouse left and right repeatedly, it looks like the game is running at ~20 fps, which is pretty damning, because this game has big chunky 8-bit 320×240 graphics.  I don’t even think it’s 8-bit, to be honest… looks like 32 colors and I’m being generous.  So, EGA-class graphics.  You know, like Commander Keen, which ran at 60fps on an 8mhz 286 twenty years ago.

 

Beef #2:  The music is awful and irritatingly repetitive.  Even NES music wasn’t this annoying.  Some of it isn’t even in a proper time signature, not as in progressive rock, more like “2-year-old with a Casio”.  MUTE!

My biggest beef is with the game’s design itself.  The RPG aspect is just this hastily tacked-on concept that leads nowhere.  Some crappy town got demolished by the bad guy, so your job is to farm up money for the repairs, by smashing coloured blocks (!?).  So basically, every single NPC is begging you to donate gold.  Pay them, and they’ll rebuild their stupid little hovel.  Well once you repair the damned town, very little changes.  There are very few powerups and they’re all pretty useless.  The level design is super boring.  The enemies barely move at all.  The speed ramps up extremely slowly.  The only challenge comes from the aforementioned stuttering, because you’d have to be passed out to not hit the ball in time.

I’m glad I got it with the Humble Bundle, because I don’t feel this game is even worth $2.99.  I’ve seen free goddamned Facebook games that were better put-together than Wizorb.  I hope whoever developed this keeps practicing, because they are not ready to be a commercial game developer.  I was writing better games than this when I was twelve, in assembler, no less!

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