Crooked Lying Bastards Unworthy of Your Money (and mine)

Update:A spin doctor from Pizza Pizza contacted me and credited $50 to my account, and I’m not one to turn down free pizza! I still declare a jihad on the Somerset tards – I’m not much for suicide bombers, but maybe a large group of fat nerds could show up, dressed in their finest trans-gender World of Warcraft costumes, all calling in complaints on their overpriced iPhones until Rick James’ pimpin’ arm reaches down from the heavens and fiercely slaps the pizza nazis like the bitches they are. UNITY!


Anyone who knows me, knows I love pizza. I eat it all the time, and just when I think I’m sick of it, I order some more. Well one of the places I often order from is Pizza Pizza (whenever Pizza Shark isn’t open – lazy dogs!). I ordered two pizzas today, and I have to say, it’s the closest I’ve ever come to physically assaulting a delivery driver – lucky for him, I was at work and held it in. Here’s a copy of the letter I wrote to their headquarters:

I’ve had several issues with the location at 673 Somerset St West, Ottawa, Ontario. Today was, by far, the most puzzling and horrendous I’ve ever encountered.

For lunch, I ordered two large pizzas and beverages at the office. When they arrived, one of the ingredients was completely missing, so I called back to report the problem. They sent a new pizza, when it arrived the delivery driver told me the cook was very upset about the complaint, and he told me to call the 11-11 number to remove my complaint. He gave me an entire script to tell the phone rep, and would not leave until this was done. He basically told me to say the original pizza was fine, that someone else had called on my behalf and made the complaint in error, and that I did not require a new pizza be delivered (even though the replacement was already here). I can only assume each owner gets penalized based on the number of complaints, and he wanted to avoid another bad mark. He followed me all the way back to my office to be sure I was making the call, and waited until I had hung up before leaving the premises. My coworkers witnessed the entire ordeal and were completely dumbfounded. I found this practice deceptive, extremely offensive and felt a bit threatened by his attitude. I’m not easily scared, but something about his demeanor got under my skin. He did it without hesitation, which tells me this may be a common occurrence. It is certainly the first time I’ve seen anything like it.

I was outraged, and the moment he drove away, I called right back and relayed the incident to the customer service agent. They were very apologetic, and said they would inform the district manager. I have had other issues with this particular location, mostly involving the food quality and toppings, but I let them slip until today. I would have been perfectly content with the replacement pizza, had the driver not tried to manipulate me.

I eat pizza several times a week, it’s almost comical. Lunches at the office, lazy evenings at home with my wife, and late nights after drinking with the boys… I’ve had no problems with the others, whether it’s in Ottawa, Toronto, or elsewhere. I’m not going to stop ordering pizza, but I will go out of my way to avoid the Somerset location, even if it means I have to pick it up myself at a different Pizza Pizza location. I can assure you my friends and coworkers will be invited to do the same. The Pizza Pizza brand is a strong one, and petty fraudsters like the Somerset crew should not be allowed to tarnish the company’s image and ruin it for the hundreds of other Pizza Pizza operators who have been doing a fine job for decades.

-Bill Lambert

Yep, he made me call the head office and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I bet my face was turning purple with anger, I just wanted to bludgeon him with the handset. Don’t ever order from the Somerset Pizza Pizza in Ottawa, they’ll fuck up your order AND threaten you. Order from any other location and you’ll likely receive a lovely meal with that ghetto quality you love but just won’t admit :)

And if you happen to know the names of the owner and/or drivers, I’m all ears, just in case they decide to retaliate somehow – after today’s antics, I wouldn’t put it beyond them.

Both comments and pings are currently closed.

3 Responses to “Crooked Lying Bastards Unworthy of Your Money (and mine)”

  1. Billco says:

    Vaseline ? I would have called and asked for K-Y, the lubricant of choice for conscientious wankers worldwide!

  2. Brunulle says:

    First of all, I think you should stop eating fucking pizza cuz it’s bad for you! Second, it is true pizza pizza c’est toutes des sales! And tird, not third, your FUKDEBASS project is fucking crap. And you suck and so does the other guy producing this shit with you. Actually, he’s a genius but you make him look like crap! hahahahahaaaa!!! And get a fucking car so you can come see me so I can bitch-slap you! 😉